Thursday, March 29, 2007

Real World Uses of Technology

It's 1 A.M.

You're drunk.

You're in a bar full of drunks, several of whom are helping you sing along with the band, into your cell phone, at the top of their lungs.

You are singing to someone who, 5 minutes ago, was blissfully dreaming of a lovely, quiet, isolated paradise, probably including a beach, blue water, and nubile, willing beauties of the sex of their choice.

And yet, this is going to turn out to be the single most important phone call you are going to make tonight.

Because an hour from now you are going to be calling this same person, looking for bail money.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Teach Your Children... well?

You know those guys you get behind in the 10 items or less lane? The ones with their kids with them, and they tell their 8 year old "Here, you take these 8 things, and your little brother can take these 6. And Daddy will take these 10, and we're all ok..."?

Ran into another one of those the other day. I hear he's getting his "Handicapped" tag for his mirror next week.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Thus it is written, So shall it be. Mulch 2 for $3.

Let me first kiss up by saying that, of the limited choices we have here in "just east of the sticks, Sillynois" Kroger is my choice of grocery store.

We also have a super-megalomaniac-mart that I'd rather take a beating than go visit. Between them and the big blue K, they drove the local grocers out of business. (I'm sorry, I tried to prevent it. I can only buy so many cases of canned beets and cat food.)

There is also a small "stuff that fell off a truck on the interstate and we brought the boxes in here" store that sells celery and lettuce right next to motor oil and electronics from companies like Sany and Pennysonic (NOT typos).

So, Kroger gets most of my grocery dollars. That being said....

Just inside the front door is the store pledge. We pledge to be good local citizens and provide quality, convenient yada yada yada....

But it ends with "Thus it is written, So Shall It Be."

Just what book of the Bible is Kroger in? I don't know, maybe they have their own. Maybe the order is actually Joshua Judges Ruth and today's Pastries... (or maybe they're in the ganoche-tic bible?)

Another thing. They sell mulch and fertilizer by the front door, like it's an impulse item. (Got me a hot date, let's see... I need me some Certs, some condoms, and hey, we're gonna want some mulch!)

I don't know, maybe they think that folks here in farming country always have manure on our minds.

"Wooo boy, I done loaded up on groceries this time. I'm gonna eat good and poo for a week. Hey, that reminds me....."