Monday, January 29, 2007

If it walks out of the refrigerator? Let it go....


Softly in the night there comes a tapping,
a steady gentle tapping that brings me across the floor.

I follow the tippy-tapping and it leads me down the hall.

Down the hall into the kitchen toward the source of this mad sound,
a tapping, tippy-tapping, now a soft, insistent rapping coming from there inside the door.

Shaking fingers reach out for the handle.
The rapping beats in time with the pounding in my chest; ever faster, even louder, more demanding than before.

I want to let it out, but I do not want to see. I know I did not put it there. Dear God what could it be....?

What could it be that calls so loudly? Perhaps I do not have to know? Maybe it will pass me by? There, that surely is the answer. I will just set it free...

I fling wide the door and avert my eyes but I cannot stop my senses. My nose that knows the truth. My traitorous ears that relay every sound, each whisper and its call. Oh, that call!

That evil beckoning that has slipped inside my mind.

I cannot stop, I have to see... My hand falls away from my face....

Holy Crap! We've got cheesecake!!!


Sunday, January 28, 2007

Just a word or two away from genius


Funny how immortality can turn on the addition or subtraction of a word or two.

From Classic novel to classified ad--

To Kill (and eat) a Mockingbird.

Asimov's other fraternity --

I, Robot, state your name.

Philip K Who?

Do Oklahoma Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

And sometimes just a word is enough to show you how wrong a story could have gone. --

Anna Karenina Smith

Or take you from Joseph Heller to Penn & Teller --

Catch a 22

Friday, January 26, 2007

A whole new meaning to "Sugar Buzz" --


So, according to USAToday a molecular scientist from Durham, NC, Doctor Robert Bohannon, has developed something called a "buzz doughnut"; a caffeine enhanced little beasty that is supposed to be the equivalent of TWO cups of coffee.

Is nothing sacred?

I'm reminded of the line from Jurassic Park. Scientists spend so much time trying to figure out HOW to do something that they don't have time to think about whether or not they SHOULD.

You want to over caffeinate something? Focus on something useful... I don't know. Maybe edible liquid sexual aids.

Help a guy stay up and ... um... uh... up.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I can't afford to shop at Sam's Club

In the news today, a couple of guys in Florida (?) wandered into a Sam's Price Club and conducted a smash and grab in the jewelry section. According to the report they got away with a necklace worth a reported QUARTER MILLION DOLLARS. .... At a SAM's??

I know it's been awhile since I've been in one... But I don't remember any of the folks in line, (like the guy in the ripped, chili stained, Tony Dorsett jersey, or the lady in the purple velour sweat pants and the blue flannel shirt) looking like they were shopping for a special selection of old Sam's family jewels. (wait... that kind of went somewhere strange and necrophilic on me, sorry.)

Besides... It's Sam's. You can't buy just one of anything. You have to buy a case of those necklaces. And, you have to bring your own old cardboard beer flat to carry them home in.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Could I offer you something from our venial cellar?


Cable channels in the St. Louis area are running an ad for a company called alternatives insurance. Let me say up front, I don't know these folks from anywhere, never met any of them to my knowledge, never done business with them. So, this is NOT meant as an endorsement, and is NOT meant as a denigration. OK? I did go to the website to make sure I read this right on the ad. (By the way, they are a Drive insurance agent, if you care.)

But the website is "". (and no, I'm not putting in the "click-through", that would be too much like an endorsement. You want to check my spelling? Type it for yourself.)

Now, it might have been the mood I was in; Might have been the wine. But if the true value of people like insurance agents, CPA's, lawyers, and professional companions is in their attention to the details?

I'm hesitant about a company that offers their services as
agents of "alternative sins."

"Perhaps, rather than jumping straight to murder, sir, we could offer you something in the line of public humiliation or financial ruin? After all, you could always move up to the mortal sins if you are not satisfied.... say, gluttony? Let someone else kill the poor bastard. You can just eat him. True, it's still a mortal sin, but at least you'll be well fed."

By the way? Regarding the "non-mortal" sins?
Proverbs says that even the "just man falls seven times a day." I'm pretty sure this piece pushes me into some time in August, 2012.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Who the heck is this ad actually for?


Here we go again.

There's a Nexium ad running during the news that shows some middle-aged guy and his kids. He says his kids call him "the finisher". (ignoring the obvious Bush jokes here.)

The ad shows him running around the house talking to the kids, "finish your homework, finish your vegetables", yada yada.... and then talks about how he has all this heartburn.

Know what's not in the ad? Mom. No wife, no girlfriend, (or boyfriend for that matter). Not even pictures of a "late wife". Just Mister strong, caring, capable Dad... a role model for men everywhere.

Near the end of the ad there's a line of text that says "See our ad in Ladies Home Journal."


I gotta go find this ad. Whatcha want to bet Mr. Strong and Capable isn't front and center in that one...?

And yes, I am watching too damn much TV again.

Quick side note ... If DB (my Darling Bride) were reading this? Right about now she'd be dancing in circles chanting "Told ya women aren't responsible for the stress."

"Dying is easy. Parking is Impossible."


“Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.”

Art Buchwald was one of the most insightful, rational and accurate political commentators in our lifetime. R.I.P. Mr. Buchwald.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Oh the land of cloudless days...


Not counting about a 15 minute span of of light last Thursday? Yesterday morning brought the first sunshine we've had in almost a month.

It was 15 degrees. The wind was up around 15 miles an hour, and I walked to work.

My fingers were frozen when I got there, and I didn't take my coat off for a half hour, but I got to spend the morning in the sun.

And then the alarm went off. I hit the button and lay there, watching the cold, gray clouds spit snow at the street in front of the house.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Playing back the conversations in your head

Ever script a conversation in your head AND have it actually happen
JUST like that in real time?

Like this one earlier today:

Me, on the cell phone with my Auntie --

Auntie: Whatcha doin?

Me: Making lunch.

Auntie: What are you making?

Me: Hang on a sec.

(Into the fast food squawk box) I'll have a #1, no cheese, Diet Coke.

Auntie: Yeah, That's what I thought.


But sometimes? Not so much:

Me, same cell phone, with my bride.

BoB: Watcha doin'?

Me: Hangin' out with the guys, watching the game.

BoB: Cool. Where?

Me: Hang on a sec.

Girl at table: Lap dance is twenty bucks, sweetie.... Just like the last one.

BoB: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

It's the jeans that are important here?

Have you seen the new commercial for Total cereal? Mom loans her old tight comfortable/cool jeans to her daughter. After seeing them on her, Mom eats cereal, loses weight and then asks for the jeans back.

Now, that's kinda heartwarming, right?

But, while Mom munches down on breakfast cereal, daughter is shown escorting a series of different men/boys back to her room.

At the end of the commercial Mom only cares about the same thing that everyone else already did, getting the girl out of her jeans.

See, if I spent the commercials trekking to the fridge for a beer, I wouldn't have to think about this stuff....

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I don't do politics. But I DO do stupid. Oh.. wait....

See, here's the thing. Is the President right? Is he wrong?

I'm not qualified to say.

But does it seem stupid to anyone else to:

1) Give the world your speech BEFORE you make it, AND still expect people to pay attention to you when you read it to them?

2) Not only tell the people you are at war with Yes, we're sending more people with guns; and then tell them, THIS is how many of them we're sending, but to also announce THIS is when we're sending them. (cnn/usatoday)

AND OH BY THE WAY--- Are we in fact, at war, or just still field testing for the military industrial complex?

Rant over... Soap Box put away. Thanks

Saturday, January 06, 2007

A Call to Mourning

MomoFuku Ando has died.

A hero and saviour of college students world wide.

There should be an international day of mourning.

Or at least 90 seconds (on high).

Actually, read the obit. The guy was remarkable.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Whatcha get for those ears, Missy?

The Dallas Museum of Art is closing their Van Gogh exhibition soon. Go see it if you can.

One thing though. At the gallery exit is the obligatory gift shop. Now I can understand the usual, prints, posters, postcards, etc. but they have chocolate ears. Really. And Van Gogh finger puppets. and Oh Yeah... a "Van Gogh Action figure" which, my brother pointed out has the wrong ear missing.

Chocolate ears.... that's just wrong. At the Charlie Bird Parker exhibit will they have chocolate lips? Or maybe those wax ones? Just imagine if they had a John Holmes exhibit..... nah, don't.